THE LIFE AND MISADVENTURES OF NIKKI G

i have brutally murdered my computer. the doctor told me i 'probably shouldn't have hit it so hard.'

first draft.

( narrative. )


i like jack gilbert and richard brautigan and anne sexton and of course, charles bukowski.

i don't want to be a rockstar. if i had the talent and the motivation i wouldn't be against it, but i don't, and that's not what i want. what i want is the fire that they seem to have. i want to be able to scream, to roar, to explode in expression when i need to.
i want to be wayne coyne. i want to stand on stage and direct my life like he does his audience. i want to blow up crazy shit. i want to do completely useless things that are only fun and only crazy and nothing at all.
i want to be karen o. i want to scream sex and revert back to primordial man. i want to stomp my feet and yell until my lungs give out. i want to channel max of wtwta.
i want people to look at me and not see my hair. i want to make the responses i am capable of making the first time. i want to let the anger control me. i want to conquer the anger.

i want you to forget about the air force. i want you to join the air force. i want you to take me to paris and marry me. i want you to stay here. i want you to sleep in my bed every night. i want to want you. i want to stop wanting you. i want to have control over myself. i want to give in. i want you to hold me the way you always hold me, to kiss me the way you always kiss me, to look into my eyes and continue to tell me the truth for maybe a year and a half. i want four years to be a blink of an eye. i want you to be more than just another one i lost. i want you to be the one who wanted me.

i want to have control. i want to have motivation. i want to be more than just a passenger in this body, in this straight shoot down, in this joke of a life.

i want an explanation.

i want to go to sleep.

livejournal, i have not forgotten you.

feed me poetry.

so it's been a year here, right?


mhmm. it feels like a year. it feels old.
i've had like four livejournals, and while this one is the least embarrassing,
it's also kind of secret.

i could probably read through all of my old entries and not hate myself
which is a goal accomplished?

i've never been much of a diary person. things happen and i don't feel like telling you.
if it happens to me, i don't need to write it down. i'll remember.

so i guess i won't abandon this, like i did with all the rest
but i probably won't be updating as much.
not like i say anything of interest.
but really, ghostofabicycle.tumblr.com
it's pretty great, if i can say that.

and moving on to new and more exciting projects now.

hopefully.

i can't even fucking describe it
it was the happiest i've ever been



i'm afraid sonic youth won't be as exciting. speaking of which, i want the tickets to go on sale now. ugh.

it is cold and rainy and i hurt
also my speakers on my computer suck more than usual.


i guess my favorite poets are
anne sexton
charles bukowski
pablo neruda
ee cummings
maybe sylvia plath
and
william carlos williams



To a Poor Old Woman

munching a plum on
the street a paper bag
of them in her hand

They taste good to her
They taste good
to her. They taste
good to her

You can see it by
the way she gives herself
to the one half
sucked out in her hand

Comforted
a solace of ripe plums
seeming to fill the air
They taste good to her

what is this exercising thing. humph.

mom got me running sneakers and some shorts, and when i mean she got me them,
i mean she used my money and picked them up for me while i did nothing at the Y on my last day

being paid to do nothing is cool except that they go WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
and when you say nothing they kind of get aggravated.


but yeah. exercisin'
i am hopefully doing it. because i gained that ten pounds back and i was really a lot better off without it... but i like eating. and i'm not giving up soda. diet coke doesn't have any calories i don't see what the problem is.

i guess i'll try to go to one of my mom's yoga classes sometime.
i'm still mad at wii fit.

i scraped my sweater and started a new one. i messed up. but this one i like better, so. like desiree will notice.

blah blah blah blah blah blah

( CUT )



that's all.

today was interesting.

i woke up and rolled out of bed and went to work because i don't have to wear anything nice to this job. it was a good day but just as i am getting out, rae rae texts me and says she can't hang out, which is okay, cuase it was pretty muggy out and i hate humidity. we were going to go to providence and see a movie and go shopping. so i wait around for my mom to pick me up. for like 20 minutes. my mom is really good at being late. just as i was about to call her, this big SUV pulls up and someone yells out, "show a little more leg if you want me to pick you up!"

so i scream and jump in the car cause it was alisha and i haven't seen her since last september. we went to the mall and talked and stuff and then she had to go home to make some important calls but she might come pick me up again tomorrow.

it was good. i missed her a lot.

i never go to real parties. i just go to awkward-fests.

raven's stepmom told me i was beautiful on the way out
how the fuck do you respond to that? also, she should say
stuff like that to rae rae. not me.
it reminds me of that time my mom got drunk
and kept telling kelley how beautiful she was.
i mean, kelley is hot, but jesus christ i felt bad.
she never says stuff like that to me.
i mean i'm the least favorite but still.

and her dad claimed to have met me before
don't know how you confuse the green haired person with
the normal haired one.

then we walked around attleboro barefoot.
we're going to camp out in capron for raven's birthday.


i'm going to do a wardrobe revamp soon... clean my room, wash everything
re-evaluate choices
donate stuff
give myself a budget and list of items i need.

can't decide whether i should mohawk it up
or grow my hair out.



hmmm. hrm. i need my license.

the thing i love about mad men is that the girls are not all stick thin
they have those magical attributes known as hips

the decemberists....?


anyway. i am knitting again. for real.

i finished my english class today. easiest class i've ever taken. it's insulting that i paid money for that.

life life life life life

all of my friends are fucking musicians and i am goddamn tone deaf
i went to presteroni's graduation and they all played a bunch of songs and it was pretty great and
i can barely sing.

gonna 'hawk my hair soon. call ryan and see when he's free.

i need to do a bunch of shit for school.

hanging out with lauren for the first time in forever on wednesday

---

just had an argument with my mom over the correctness of an ellipsis at the end of every sentence. she claims that it's a pause (because a period is not long enough) and that no one else has ever corrected her.

i assume the longer someone is out of school, the more they forget, because no one who emails or texts her is very grammatically correct, either.

i wish i could get paid for just being weird and doing weird things and being my ridiculous self
because then i could quit my job and have time to do ridiculous things
in other news i am going to fill a kiddie pool with jello and sit in it
probably will combine this with other things


how to fill a bathtub with jell-o

i am having Second Thoughts about this whole art thing. about time right.
the whole obsessing over fear and loathing/hunter s thompson is partially what brought it on
i'd love to just write. i mean, i do love to write. but it seems like something i'm a bit more confident about and possibly a bit more reliable as a career.
i don't know. i'm probably going to go for art anyway, and maybe go back to school later for english.

and you know, if i was gonna go for english, maybe i'd actually do my english work. i have a research paper due soon and i haven't even started it.

oh well. i wrote an essay in ten minutes and handed it in late and he gave me an A-

yeah.

i totally forgot that i am allergic to florida

my face is leaking
my eye is twitching
i have a headache
disney better be a fucking blast

aaaaaaaaaaaaand you should probably check out
ghostofabicycle.tumblr.com because it's awesome

you know
like me.

i am going to disney this weekend.

fashion CRISIS my god. i can't find my giant pink sunhat anywhere.
i mean i'm going to buy mickey ears as soon as i find the most fabulous ones available (hot pink with sequins?!) but what will i wear on my head UNTIL THAT MOMENT? also what if i need this hat in another situation. it rains a lot in florida, you know.

i like the idea of a one piece solve all situation. dresses used to be my solution but now i realize that what i need is a jumpsuit.
specifically this one.

unfortunately i am not going to run out to urban outfitters and buy that and go yay! all set! for florida. especially since i can't find my dumb sunhat. (how PERFECT THEY WOULD BE. SERIOUSLY.)


also i like to just outdress my cousin in general. not difficult because she wears jeans and black t-shirts but lately i have been wearing shorts and an oversized men's t-shirt every day. OH GOD THE HORROR. soon i will be featured on what not to wear, the shame. although $5000 for clothes sounds AWESOME.



so i need to go try on clothes and plan outfits and do things and augh.


i was going to write a very long post about how harry potter teaches morality but perhaps another day.

...
my mom just told me she gave my sunhat to goodwill. well FUCK.

my tooth really fucking hurts.


Post 12 pictures you currently have on your hard drive that you think are self-expressive.
*NO CAPTIONS! It must be like we're speaking with images and we have to interpret your visual language just like we have to interpret your words.
*They must ALREADY be on your hard drive - no googling or flickr!
*You do NOT have to answer any questions about any of your pictures if you don't want to. You can make them as mysterious as you like. Or you can explain them away as much as you like.

( ... )

1. things.

these pants are freaking fantastic and i want them.

this is probably the best use of a piercing i have ever seen (because smoking a cigarette through your stretched sternum is an awful use) and possibly the only facial piercing that could work in a formal work environment. i kind of want a bridge piercing solely for that reason.
speaking of glasses, i'm going to get new ones in a bit, which is great, cause i can't fucking see.

awesome and it reminds me of genesis.


awesome. just fucking great.

2. magnetic poetry.
i bought some after pining after a set for... forever? i don't know. i just found a set in a little shop on thayer st. that i'd never been in before. they had french, too, but i figured english would be better to start with.
it's actually a really good medium for writing. you manipulate the words you are restricted to.
i've tried all kinds of prompts and exercises and generally, i get nothing from them. with a box of words i just move them around and play with them constantly. it's similar to just pulling up notepad and typing, except it's more fun. i feel like i am playing instead of working.
things don't come out half bad, either.

3. i really like hot dogs. really. i cut them up and put them in a can of chef boyardee and eat that for lunch all the time. chef boyardee is such a bastardization of raviolis, but with hot dogs i will eat it?

4. happy gonzo day.
as your attorney, i advise you to go on a road trip, listen to 60s psychedelic music, invest in a typewriter, and to wear some golf shoes, otherwise we'll never get out of this place alive. impossible to walk in this muck. no footing at all.

we wake up at noon
in an 80s hangover
stumble into work.




in other news, harry potter was awesome but i wish i reread the 6th book before going to see it. i haven't read any of them since i finished the 7th book.
best part of the movie was either the preview for where the wild things are
or when i screamed "noooooooo!" after dumbledore's death.

ee cummings is a tricky bastard.

ahjbkfgdshugkdf that week was kinda crazy.
tornado warning? work and school like every day.
but now it is my week off
i have the house to myself
so obviously i am going to have a party right
?

no one ever comes to my parties, lul
also none of my friends are crazy party people.
i'm not huge on it, either.
but we're going to celebrate gonzo day, of course.

ever since i read fear and loathing in 11th grade i've loved this man
when parker told us how his ashes were shot out of a cannon....
of the people i would love to be, he is like, second to dali.
so we're going to watch the movies and i have compiled a playlist of insane music.
i'm good at that.
plus i have lots of pink floyd and other 60s crazy shit.

and i have lots of other plans for the week
kids day
shopping
like 3 movies
hanging out with my aunt
working and school tuesday
trying to get wednesday off D: but idk if anyone will do it for me.

getting my eyes checked next saturday. glasses to follow, i assume.

sometimes i get so so so mad at my mom but you don't want to hear about it, and really, it's not that bad. we just have very opposite personality types. i am trying to get her to take me to the new woody allen movie tonight because we only ever go shopping or get lunch together and i love woody allen and ashley doesn't and raven's still in texas and i'm seeing bruno and harry potter next week with them.

i really do love woody allen. lately i've been watching tons of movies. i watched the lotr series. wow. they are really amazing movies. i hadn't seen them since they originally came out in theaters.

the future is a really big place. i used to be so terrified of it. from the outside, i guess, looking at how i was a year ago, it's not that different. but from within, everything has changed. a year ago my parents were having a yard sale at the old house and i was having a goddamned panic attack in the shower because i couldn't imagine the effort and the hope and the spirit i would have to put out there to do anything besides go to a mandatory public high school. school isn't for everyone and i can't say it enough. the world has been brainwashed into thinking that everyone must go to college. everyone must get good grades throughout all of school, and then get into a good college and continue to get good grades, and then get a well paying job so everyone can buy a nice house in a nice part of a nice town, and marry a nice person, and have nice, good, children, who go to school to get good grades, to repeat the cycle all over again.

clearly we have been brainwashed. when i asked anthony why he decided to go to RWU he said because they had the program he wanted to study and they were offering him a full ride. and i asked him why he wanted to be an engineer and he said because he knew one of his mom's friends who was an engineer and retired early because of the amount of money he made, and it was a good job.

that made me so sad. my uncle dave is a civil engineer. he didn't get good grades. he had his sister introduce him to an admissions person at northeastern university, and he went up to him and told him his name and told him he wanted to go to his school to be an engineer. my dad, my dad told me he will probably never retire. he doesn't make enough money to, but he has the one job that is perfect for him. he pretty much does what he does at work at home. he sells and fixes tractors and chainsaws and all that stuff. at home, he fixes cars. he works like twelve hours a day.

i just want people to grow up to be what they dreamt of being as a kid.

i wanted to be a writer and an artist.

i'm still very much afraid of what the future holds
but i'm a better person to take it on, i think.
i'm courageous and confident and hopeful
so i guess i am as ready as i'll ever be
maybe not getting in was the best thing that happened to me.
even if it will always feel like the worst.